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Dramatis Personae
Father
Mother
Son
Greek Chorus (of sorts)
(The skit starts with Mother and Father walking on from stage left. They look and act an awful lot like the Cleavers or Ozzie and Harriet. They are met by Son who is coming from the opposite direction. He is dressed in some sort of 90's wannabe attire, hockey jersey, baggy pants, with a swaggering gait. Greek Chorus is set up in the background like a Gospel Choir.)
Mother: (as she and Father embrace Son, kiss him, etc.) I'm so glad you came home! How is everything up in college?
Father: Working hard like your brother did, right, son?
Son: (nervous chuckle) Absolutely Dad. Everything's going great.
Mother: (Overly emotional and 50's esque) Oh I am just so PROUD of you! What are you going to major in? Engineering? No, no...pre-med!
Father: Business. He's got a head for figures.
Son: No, English actually.
Greek Chorus: (Uncontrollable and obnoxious laughter, which continues until Mother and Father say their line:)
Mother and Father together: (Shocked beyond belief) ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU'LL NEVER GET A JOB!
(Song begins. No music, all is done a capella, more or less to the tune of Snoop Doggy DoGG's song "G's and Hustlas." Greek Chorus and Mother and Father sing the chorus together, answered by Son.
Chorus: You won't make G's, if you're an English Major,
Son: But I'm an English Major,
Chorus: then you won't make G's.
Chorus: You won't make G's, if you're an English Major,
Son: But I'm an English Major,
Chorus: then you won't make G's.
Son: Please
Just freeze,
I won't be sellin' fries at Hardee's
There ain't no damn way
'cause I'm here today
to wade through all the disrespect and jump in the fray,
I say, all this money talk is making me hot,
if I'da wanted money I'da worked on my jump shot
and played ball
I'm tall
but I had to heed the call
the words are running through my head like children in the mall,
and hey y'all they're profound
listen to the sound
so why are y'all so angry cause I learned to write 'em down?
I've found
that fools and their money will be parted like the sea
but as for me,
I could write the greatest novel of the 21st Century!
It could happen
so check it, here's the hint
the gift is heaven-sent
if you down with me and STD you gotta represent
Its the S-I-G
M-A-T
A-U-D
E-L-T-A you better keep your fancy free
like A.E. (Houseman)
but hey I'm one and twenty ain't no use to talk to me
but as for thee they's a whole lot more
its like reading Moby Dick yo its all about the metaphor
Shakespeare's dead
but he's still in my head
so all y'all can listen to me and I'll tell you what the thunder said!
Chorus: You won't make G's, if you're an English Major,
Son: But I'm an English Major,
Chorus: then you won't make G's.
Chorus: You won't make G's, if you're an English Major,
Son: But I'm an English Major,
Chorus: then you won't make G's.
Son: Now it's time to flow like the Mighty Mississipp,
Alabama boy on a St. Louis trip
to win
so let me begin
I'm coming back to haunt you like Original Sin
but then, if you're bored let me know and I'll quit
but uh, how many times have y'all heard THIS shit?
Father: You majored in WHAT? What the hell were you thinking?
Twenty thousand dollars just so you could start drinking?
You call that a poem? Are you out of your mind?
It's four hundred lines
And it don't even rhyme!
Look at your brother--he's a civil engineer,
Works sixty hour weeks--now THAT'S a career!
You must be lazy as hell
Or crazy as hell
out there on the Quad picking daisies to smell!
Oh, well,
you never listen, you just do what you like to do
and I'm too tired to fight with you!
Mother: Your father and I, we love you a lot,
but have you been smoking the pot?
I mean,
Chorus: You won't make G's, if you're an English Major,
Son: But I'm an English Major,
Chorus: then you won’t make G's.
Chorus: You won't make G's, if you're an English Major,
Son: But I'm an English Major,
Chorus: then you won’t make G's.
Son: My brother makes dough like a baker on speed
got a soccer mom wife and a time share deed
in the Poconos
his daughter got a new nose
then he bought her a Beemer with a cell phone and all of those
bells and whistles I suppose
really though, he's got a boat and a Humvee Jeep
but if he ain't working all he does is sleep!
I'm telling you straight
I've been to thirteen countries and nineteen states
and I'd hate
to think
that half my life was drawing interest in a bank
I'd rather sit on my ass
in the grass
writing poems 'bout why my life is passing too fast
and the money--who cares?
I got plenty to wear
and a little left over for doughnuts and bus fare
and I might get a job at a college somewhere
with a dental plan, and tenure, and summers to spare
and when my parentals don't bother to look,
I'll take a couple years off and WRITE MY BOOK!
The future looks clear from here
so let's get a beer
and get pissed
but remember this...
I could train a monkey to do what they do
so turn a deaf ear when the bastards try to hassle you
it's true
'cause me and my crew
we ride
and slide
and we're all about the Crimson Tide
It's St. Louis '99 and we're ready to party,
Everybody: 'CAUSE WE'RE ALL ENGLISH MAJORS AND YOU BETTER BESEECH SOMEBODY!!!!!
-fin-
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