Men of Black, Alabama
pop. 174
established 1887

Don

Hell, you can have the damn thing.
I don't give a good God damn if you
kill it and eat it here.
I'll even get Hazel to cook it for you.
Just a hog,
I got a shit load of 'em.
If you hungry, eat the damn thing,
that's what I say.
Cain't blame a man for being hungry,
but damn me to hell if I don't feed him.

Andrew

Nope, I don't see the point of it.
Who's dumb enough
to put a scarecrow in a cabbage patch?
Ain't no crow gonna eat no cabbage!
Worms will, but
scarecrow ain't gonna scare no worms away.

Cottontop

What do you mean, he stole from you?
He's the best damn colored man I ever met,
and I reckon I'll call you a liar for that, sir.
We lived side by side for fifty-three years,
and he's a better neighbor than Jesus hisself.
He wouldn't have stole from nobody,
and he worked harder than most white people.
You just go on now and leave him be.
We don't allow that kind of foolishness around here.

Scotty

I ain't got no education.
never past the third grade
but if you give me a arc welder
and a cuttin' torch
I'll build you a truck.
I mean from the ground up
with a lot of James Bond hydrolic shit on it.
Mebbe I'll even mount a gun on it.
That's all I know, so call me Q or whatever.

Lloyd

So you catch one by the head--like so,
and you hold his stinger against you thumb
and he'll try and try to stick that thing in
but he cain't, see?
That's how you know who works and who don't.
Wasps cain't sting no workin' man's hand.

Danny Ray

Yeah, I went to school with him.
We didn't know for sure
but we all reckoned he was
'cause he was in the band
and he only hung out with girls
and I swear to God he never could
catch a baseball.

Uncle Bell

You know what they call
a watermelon
down in South Florida?
A watermelon.

L.T.

Don plowed a field for me the other day
and he wouldn't take no pay
so I figured I'd come down here and weed his garden for him.

Bud

So he got down from the tree stand
and he went to take a shit.
He was down there wipin'
and somebody saw the toilet paper
and thought it was a deer flaggin' 'em.
Shot him right in the ass!
You ain't never heard so much hollerin' and cursin' in your whole life.

Hilton

I remember it must have been around 1918
when my daddy took me
out to Faydette on the mulecart
to get some shingles.
That's when I first met your great-grandaddy.
He sure was a fine man
never cheated nobody,
and he was the best carpenter in these parts.

Ed

That Stewart boy sure can run. I saw him in the Cottonwood game--
he didn't even have an angle on the boy
and he still ran him down
knocked the hell out of him
and took the ball away.
Danny Ray sure oughta be proud of him.

Bobby

I told Scotty and Andrew
that if they was to tear off that tin for me
they could keep it.
I swear they was here the next morning.
They pulled up in that van
and set to work.
Their mama set there the whole time
with that little dog of hers
and watched 'em.

Eli

I've always wanted to go to college
and make y'all proud of me.
I know y'all was ashamed of me in high school
'cause I was in the band for eight years
and all I ever did was read
I never could catch a baseball.
Sorry, Daddy. I'll make it up to you.